Remember Me When This You See...

Death and Dying: It happens to all of us. 

Psychology of Death and Dying was a class that came highly recommended.  I could not have chosen a better class or picked a better time to take it. My mother died shortly after I completed it.When my mother died, I was able to help with the funeral plans, write a good obituary (with family help, of course) and assist in taking care of details that I would have had no preparation for or knowledge of otherwise.

            Because of the class, I interviewed the Funeral Director at our local funeral home during this class.  She is young and pretty, and bore no resemblance to the traditional funeral director.  I love her attitude and the respect she has for the work and the people.  She gave me a form that she had created while in school that is very functional.  On it, all the pertinent planning information can be gathered in one place. (Harris, 2011)  The form includes a page for biographical information:  Parents, siblings, spouse, marital status.  The next page continues with Children’s information, your social security number, ancestry, (usual) occupation, residence including former residence, and education.  Then there is a place for any club or organization information, or any miscellaneous information.  There are two pages dedicated to funeral service information including what readings, songs, and speakers you wish, who you wish to be your pallbearers, which newspapers to contact with the notice and obituary, what clothing you wish to wear and flower preferences.  The last page is for other important information:  People who need to be contacted, and location of important documents.  It is a simple and complete form.

            Another resource I have in my possession, and would happily recommend,  is a wonderful quirky book by Margie Jenkins.  You Only Die Once has on its cover a photo of someone gleefully kicking a bucket.  Inside there is a lot of valuable information, including a section on “successful end of life planning files.”  Margie shares some feedback she had gotten from seminars she had done on the topic of end of life planning.  Someone came out with this:

            One for the money-Organizing financial and legal information

            Two for the show- Showing and discussion information with significant others

            Three to get ready-Making end-of-life decisions

            Four to go-Funeral planning.  The end. (Lewis, 2002, p. 7)http://www.margiejenkins.com/

            When I die, if it is possible, yes I do want to donate what organs can be used.  My husband and I have chosen cremation, but because I feel it is important for the survivors, I plan on a funeral with viewing.  It sounds macabre, but my reason is personal.  When I didn’t get to see my grandmother at her funeral, I didn’t believe she was dead. (Ironically, there is still no date on her stone, which gives my childhood belief credence.)

            I wish to be dressed in my best dress.  I hope to have lost weight and to look nice.  I don’t wish for make-up to be more than a natural look as I don’t wear much make-up at all.  No bright lipstick.  I would like lilacs and pansies and other spring or summer flowers if it is seasonal, or red and white carnations if it is not.  I don’t wish to look like someone else with fancy hair.  I never have fussed much with mine, but is should be neat.  The casket should not be expensive-there really is no need if I am being cremated.  I understand that there are rental caskets, and I would not be offended by that idea.

            If Pastor Bob is still alive, I would like him to do the service.  He and his wife had a huge impact on my life.  I would like my best friend to speak about friendship, and my friend and former boss to speak on seeing value in a person.  I love hymns, and am tempted by the thought of making the funeral a singspiration.  Music is quite important to me.  Hymns that will be done are “It Is Well With My Soul” and “I’ll Fly Away”.   
 
The scripture will be from I Corinthians 13, with the focus on the part about “Now we see but a poor reflection; then we shall see face to face.  Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am known.” (Holy Bible, NIV I Corinthians 13:12)  It was the verse on my graduation cake, and I love the mystery of it.

           I would like a photo montage. Photo DVDs are becoming quite the trendy thing and are much more visible to everyone.  There are lots of goofy photos of me and people will laugh. I wish it to be celebrations of my life and family and friends, simple and abundant.  I like the idea of music with piano, guitar, and flute playing in the background.  I will probably leave a brief not to be read, if my death is something I could plan for. 

            For the burial:  I would like to be buried in the ground, although if ashes could be scattered on familiar places, that is more what I would wish.  But people need cemeteries and headstones as a place to be with the deceased.  We do not yet own a cemetery plot.  I would like to be near family, if possible.  I do not like the flat stones that they put in modern cemeteries, but that will do.  I like the idea of having a procession, so that for once in my life, traffic will come to a stop for me.  At the grave site, I would like a traditional benediction.  I would not use any poem that says “don’t cry for me” because I don’t think it is fair to ask that of the survivors. 

            Some funerals are full of heartbreak and sorrow and unfinished business. My aunt’s funeral this past weekend had heartache, but joy; sorrow, but comfort.  There have been a few funerals I have attended where it was more of a homecoming than a departure. What a good feeling. I could swear that I could feel her hug and hear her laughter.

There have been funerals where it was clear that the parson, pastor, or whatever, didn’t know the deceased or their family or friends and didn’t make an effort to learn about them. I hate that.  It would be good for families or individuals to plan for this: If they weren’t a particular church-goer but do wish to be memorialized, it would not be wrong to write down anecdotes and stories to be shared for the funeral.

As a Christian, you might think I would want my service to be a kind of a “Come to Jesus” moment with a sermon and all. I do not want that. The funeral service is for those who remain and I want them to feel loved and treasured and free to laugh or cry. If my life is proof of my faith and my God, that is good enough.

Works Cited

Harris, C. (2011). My Final Wishes. A Helpful Guide to Funeral Preplanning. Michigan, United States: Bennet-Barz Funeral Home.

Lewis, M. (2002). You Only Die Once. Brentwood: Integrity Pulishers.