Things I Have Learned (but don't ask me how!!!)

I was thinking back on life and being amazed at having survived for so long… well, not as amazed as my husband, but still amazed all in all.  We all set out with the best of intentions, but somewhere along the line, I bet we all have experienced things that there is no preparation for, no manual, handbook, or guide, and we live through them.  Those who don’t are written up in things like the Darwin Awards.
So, this is an irreverent and irrelevant look back on valuable lessons learned, in hopes that it will spare someone else the necessity of learning for themselves.  The list goes beyond things like the stove is hot and don’t stick forks in the toaster.  Have fun with it, and remember your own…. Um… experiences fondly and with pride.  After all, you lived though it!

1.  Do not pack personal care items that will come in contact with delicate areas with Ben Gay.  Or Icy Hot, or anything similar.  Cold baths won’t help quickly.  (This is for the ladies, you know what I mean.)
2. When a friend tells you that the bottle of nice smelling stuff he or she has is mellow and you should try it, DO NOT take a huge gulp.  Alcohol burns.  It is a good way to put off drinking regularly though, because we tend to believe that if something bites, it might keep doing so.
3. If you are burning trash in a barrel, do not casually throw the spray can without a label into the fire and stand there.  Do not throw any aerosol cans into fire, they will explode and set the ground on fire all over the place.  The unlabeled can will have something toxic in it, and you will nearly die just breathing around it.  It is tempting, because the fireball that results will be truly amazing, but don’t do it!  (Thanks, hubby)
4. If something is burning that has sealed can goods in it, be prepared to duck when the cans explode.  Particularly if it is canned beans.  They explode any way they can.
5. Don’t walk on docks that are not made properly.  Don’t blame yourself (and your weight) when said docks break and dump you into the lake.  Don’t kill the person laughing at you.
6.  Never use open scissors to poke out the squeaker in a doll.  (This one was passed to me by my Dad.)
7. Never ride in a VW Thing with a canoe tied to the top if the driver loves to do donuts.  Those Things could corner like nobody’s business!!!  It is a lot like being in an upside-down helicopter.
8. Umbrellas, blankets, sheets, towels:  these are not things that will help you fly off the porch, off the chicken coop, out of the tree house.  You will not fly.  Capes are not what make superheroes fly, and Mary Poppins had the only umbrella in the world that could fly.  Honest. 
9. You can read by the light of a tiny night lite if you don’t value your vision. 
10. Sometimes, reading a message written in invisible ink has the potential to start a house fire. 
11. Don’t melt crayons in the heat registers.  They really stink.
12. Don’t use leg makeup in theater on your whole self.  (Nods to brother)
13. Never carry wooden matches in your pocket where they can rub together.  Unless there is lots of snow on the ground to stuff down your pants.  (Another nod to brother)
14. Never kick a dead porcupine.
15. Don’t reach in and grab fighting dogs.  You will get hurt.  (From the only court case I heard while on jury duty.)
16. Do not be your own lawyer. (Same court case)
17. The car alarm will go off if you try to open the back doors of a van while the front doors are locked. 
18. If you are going to lie about where you are, make sure to inform the person whom you said you would be with.  Better yet, don’t lie.
19. Don’t drive through the snow drift.  You will pack your engine, your car will not run, and you will be stranded.
20. Always put gas in your car before you need it.  If your gas gauge doesn’t work, have a gas can in the back.  You will run out of gas in a most inconvenient location. 
21. IF you run out of gas in a most inconvenient location, there are angels who will have a gas pump in their yard and even at three am, you will be rescued.  (Before cell phones, this happened to me.  Prayer does work)
22. If you come across a row of people holding hands and standing near an electric fence, DO NOT listen to them, DO NOT take the hand of the last person on the row. 
23. Don’t bounce superballs inside the house where there is fluorescent lighting.  Or any lighting.  Or anything breakable. 
24. If your car won’t start, don’t panic.  Make sure, if it is an automatic, that it is in Park.  If not, put it in Park.  Then the car will start.  If it does not start, find someone to give you a jump.  If you forgot to put it in park, it is likely that you forgot to turn off your lights. 
25. Even when double dog dared, do not eat a spoonful of mustard.  Or horseradish. 
26. Rabbit pellets are not M&Ms nor are they Cocoa Puffs.
27. Cornering in a car is always scarier if you just hold on to the steering wheel and have to tilt in order to continue to turn. 
28. Bouillon cubes are not candy.
29. Bats can walk under doors. 
30. The boy next door that you used to play with just might be someone amazing!

 (Written 1/3/2012 and shared on my Facebook account. Thought more people would get a kick out of it. Wish I had pictures to add to this!)